


can we love again?

by orbisomnia



Category: Dreamcatcher (Korea Band)
Genre: Back to December, F/F, Fluff, Fluff and Angst, because that's basically my brand at this point, brief as in literally one line lol, brief mention of jidong, enjoy :), siyoo - Freeform, with tons of angst
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-09-24
Updated: 2020-09-24
Packaged: 2021-03-08 01:46:33
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,916
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/26627719
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/orbisomnia/pseuds/orbisomnia
Summary: "Yoohyeon just wished she had realized it sooner. Then maybe things would’ve been different."
Relationships: Kim Yoohyeon/Lee Siyeon
Comments: 5
Kudos: 50
Collections: DreamCatcher Taylor Swift Ficfest 2k20





	can we love again?

**Author's Note:**

> Hello! This was for the Taylor Swift DC ficfest! The song I got was Back To December, and I thought siyoo could fit this type of story pretty well so here we are lol I hope you enjoy~
> 
> \- rae -

The snow crunched under Yoohyeon’s converses as she walked with her hands in her pockets down the empty sidewalk. She looked down at her phone and looked at the time;  _ 7:36 pm _ , and before putting her phone back up she glanced at the same lockscreen she hadn’t had the heart to change in over a year now. A picture of her leaning her head on the shoulder of another dark haired woman, a woman that was all too familiar. 

_ Lee Siyeon. _

_“I hope I can make this right.”_ Yoohyeon murmured to herself as she quickly locked her phone trying not to stare at the picture for too long. She started along the sidewalk again, each step feeling heavier than the last as the thoughts of where she was heading filled her mind. Yoohyeon walked down past where her car was parked, silently thankful that Siyeon’s apartment wasn’t too far of a walk from her old house, as she didn’t want to have to drive. 

She hadn’t driven since she’d come back home, not wanting to have to sit and think of the memories that hid there in the old car. It was funny because despite it being  _ her _ car, she was almost never the one that drove it. Siyeon had always liked driving when they went places together, and Yoohyeon didn’t mind because she liked to think that she got the best view from the passenger side. 

* * *

_ Music blared through the speakers, Yoohyeon wasn’t sure what song it was, despite it being from a playlist she and Siyeon had made together months ago. She was too busy listening to Siyeon sing her heart out as they drove down the highway, no care in the world. They did this alot, especially on the weekends later in the evening when it was cooler and they could have all the windows down enjoying the summer night air.  _

_ Yoohyeon took her attention away from looking out the window, to glance over at Siyeon who was now just humming along to one of the softer songs in the playlist. Her attention was on the road ahead of them, one hand on the steering wheel while her other arm rested on the open window. The setting sun outlined Siyeon’s silhouette, the golden light wrapping around and both amplifying and even slightly softening her already sharp features. It made her look as if she was on fire, which to Yoohyeon, fit Siyeon all too well.  _

_ Fire was something beautiful but at the same time, completely untouchable.  _

_ And for Yoohyeon, that only drew her in more. _

_ “What are you staring at?” Siyeon teased with a raised eyebrow as she glanced at Yoohyeon. _

_ Yoohyeon hadn’t even realized she’d been staring for so long until Siyeon broke her thoughts. She quickly looked away and tried to avert her attention to the road in front of them. _

_ “Nothing, just admiring the view.”  _

_ “Oh where you now?” Siyeon had a mixture of playfulness and curiosity in her voice. _

_ “Yep.”  _

_ “I mean as hard as you were staring I would’ve thought you were undressing me with your eyes or something.” Siyeon teased, turning her attention back to the road. _

_ “I was not!” Yoohyeon protested, looking back over at Siyeon who was seemingly not paying her any attention anymore.  _

_ “I mean if you really wanted to that badly I’m sure I can find a spot to pull over and we could-”  _

_ “Siyeon!” Yoohyeon playfully nudged the older woman’s shoulder in protest, laughing as she did. _

_ “I’m kidding! I’m kidding! No need to get all violent with me jeez!” Siyeon said in mock-annoyance. She paused for a moment before glancing back over at Yoohyeon and wiggling her eyebrows. _

_ “Unless~” she said with a wink, earning a playful scoff from the younger woman. _

_ “Shut up and drive.” Yoohyeon said playfully, shaking her head.  _

_ Siyeon just grinned and laughed, paying full attention back to the road aside from humming along to the next song that had started playing. Yoohyeon just softly smiled, hearing Siyeon’s laugh was better than any song she had ever heard. _

_ A weird feeling stirred in her chest but she ignored it, the only thoughts in her head being how lovely Siyeon’s laugh was and how she wished she could be the cause of that laugh forever.  _

* * *

Yoohyeon kept walking along the sidewalk, placing headphones in her ears as she walked, hoping to drown out some of her own thoughts. Each step brought her closer and closer to where she truly wanted to be, even if she wasn’t certain of it yet.

A cold gust of wind blew and caused her to huddle her jacket closer, trying to keep as warm as she could as she still had a bit of a way to walk. The path she took was somehow still ingrained in the back of her mind even after not having walked it in over a year. Yet here she was, every turn more familiar than the last, she’d walked the route so many times on the way to Siyeon’s apartment that she didn’t have to even think about where she was going. 

Something caught her attention, and not entirely sure what it was, Yoohyeon took a headphone out and glanced to her left to notice she had made it all the way to an all too familiar place. As cold as it had gotten, and as late in the evening it was, the place was long abandoned. 

Empty benches and empty swings, and a few seemingly untouched leaf piles scattered the small area. The remnants of an old park she and Siyeon used to frequent, especially later in the evening when they could have the place all to themselves. 

Yoohyeon took a moment to look at her phone, checking the time.  _ A little detour wouldn’t hurt. _ She thought before straying from the sidewalk and heading towards one of the empty swings in the small park. The crunching of the leaves under her converses was practically the only sound she could hear, the silence around her almost unsettling. Placing her hands on the cold chains, she sat down in one of the swings, letting her feet brush the ground, kicking up a few leaves as she did. 

She silently glanced over to the swing beside her, and despite already knowing it would be empty, something in her ached seeing no one there beside her. Yoohyeon sighed and closed her eyes for a moment, thoughts drifting to one of the last few times her and Siyeon came here, only a few months before she’d left. 

* * *

_ The sound of the old chains creaking would normally bother Yoohyeon, but with the company she had, she didn’t really mind. After all, her ‘company’ was also the cause of it.  _

_ Glancing over to the other swing, Siyeon happily rocked slightly back and forth in the swing, not really going too far but enough to keep her moving. She had a content smile on her face and it warmed Yoohyeon’s heart.  _

_ Without glancing up, Siyeon quietly spoke up. “You know something I find funny Yooh?” _

_ “Hmm?”  _

_ “We spent so much of our childhood here, on these same swings, and we still meet here to this day.” She had stopped swinging and instead leaned her feet against the ground, kicking up a few leaves that had piled up beneath the swing.  _

_ “True, we were such clumsy kids back then.” Yoohyeon lightly joked, reminiscing on their early years back when the two of them were just childhood friends. Both of their families lived close by so it hadn’t been long before Yoohyeon had met Siyeon for the first time and had become fast friends. Since then they’d made it a habit of meeting and hanging out at the small park, even when they had long outgrew it.  _

_ “A Lot has changed since those days huh?” Siyeon said, seemingly lost in thought as she slightly drifted in the swing.  _

_ “Yeah, for one that swing of yours creaks so loud I’m starting to think it can’t support your weight anymore.” Yoohyeon teased, moving her swing to the side just enough that she could bump into Siyeon’s, earning a laugh from the older woman.  _

_ “As if you’re any better! Plus, that’s also not what I meant.” Siyeon laughed, but didn’t try to retaliate like she normally would. Something was off, but Yoohyeon couldn’t pinpoint what.  _

_ “What did you mean? Us?” Yoohyeon questioned, her curiosity growing ever so slightly. _

_ “Mhm.” Siyeon hummed a response but didn’t say much else, so Yoohyeon decided to add on. _

_ “Yeah I guess we did change. For the good though right?”  _

_ “For the good...yeah.” Siyeon smiled, but was still looking at the ground, seemingly focused on something. It was almost as if Yoohyeon could hear the gears turning in her head. _

_ “I mean after all I think girlfriends is an upgrade from just friends, and-” Yoohyeon paused to swing to the side, just close enough that she could place a quick kiss on Siyeon’s cheek, slightly surprising her. “- plus I think that’s a pretty good upgrade, don’t you?”  _

_ Siyeon just smiled and lightly laughed, “Yeah, I think it is.”  _

_ “You know, you’re a dork-” she started before getting interrupted by Yoohyeon. _

_ “Yes, we all know I’m a dork.” Yoohyeon added quickly with a shrug and a laugh. _

_ “You didn’t let me finish! You’re a dork, but I’m honestly glad I met you.” the last part Siyeon said almost too quietly, and if it wasn’t for how silent the park was this late, she wouldn’t have heard it. _

_ “You know what Singnie? I’m glad I met you too.” Yoohyeon said with a smile, leaning in her swing a little so she could see Siyeon better. _

_ Siyeon glanced over and gave Yoohyeon one of the softest smiles she’d ever seen her do, and it made something in the younger girl’s chest flutter. And by the look on Siyeon’s face, Yoohyeon thought that maybe she had felt it too.  _

_ Something changed in Siyeon’s eyes and she looked away from Yoohyeon, and back towards the ground. She started drifting back and forth in the swing, letting a comfortable silence fall between the two.  _

_ Yoohyeon on the other hand watched Siyeon for a moment longer, something in her felt like there was more the older woman had wanted to say. For the life of her, she couldn’t figure out why Siyeon wouldn’t just say whatever it was. Part of Yoohyeon wanted to ask what it was, but she figured maybe now wasn’t the right time.  _

_ Siyeon would tell her eventually, right? _

* * *

Yoohyeon sighed at the memory, quietly berating herself for not having realized then what Siyeon had wanted to say that night. Because in the end, Yoohyeon was right. Siyeon did eventually tell her, just not the way either of them had intended. 

Yoohyeon just wished she had realized it sooner. Then maybe things would’ve been different.

Glancing at the clock on her phone again she figured that she should hurry up before it got too dark. Standing up, she walked back along the sidewalk, leaving the old park and it’s memories far behind. 

After what seemed like ages, Yoohyeon rounded the corner to a street she knew very well. Glancing down the road she saw the line of apartments layed out, just as she had remembered them. It wasn’t until she saw the familiar outline of one of the apartments that the emotions started to hit her full force. She was really doing this, right now, after an entire year. 

Somehow, standing on Siyeon’s street made it all feel real.

It had been so long since she’d walked down this street and been even longer since she’d seen Siyeon’s apartment. The same apartment that had become her second home for many months, and the same one that everything fell apart in. 

Fear was the emotion that hit her the most, after all, at this point there was no telling if Siyeon would even want to see her, let alone be willing to listen to what she needed to say. Not that Yoohyeon blamed her if she didn’t. 

After all, it was her fault Siyeon’s heart shattered that night.

  
  


* * *

_ Yoohyeon sat at the very small kitchen table, tapping her fingers on the tabletop. Siyeon sat quietly in front of her, a single-page letter in her hands. It was a letter Yoohyeon had gotten the week prior, stating that she had gotten accepted to intern at a very well-known music college in the states. It would only be for a year, but even then a year is a long time to be seperated.  _

_ She carefully watched as the other’s eyes scanned across the paper. After what seemed like ages, Yoohyeon finally broke the silence. _

_ “So…?”  _

_ Siyeon looked up with a happy yet slightly confused look on her face, and it made something in Yoohyeon’s chest ache.  _

_ “So what? This is good right? Isn’t this the place you always wanted to study at?” _

_ Yoohyeon sighed. “Yea it is! But it’s...it’s in the states Singnie-” _

_ “Yeah I know, it sounds like it would be exciting!”  _

_ She could tell by the look on the older woman’s face that she wasn’t sure where this was heading, and the thought broke Yoohyeon in two. She didn’t want to say it but she knew she didn’t have much of a choice at this point. _

_ “I’ll be living in the states, which means we won’t be able to see eachother Siyeon.”  _

_ Yoohyeon watched as something flickered in the older woman's eyes as she placed the paper on the table and started to shake her head.  _

_ “That doesn’t mean anything, we can still call each other right? We can even facetime like Dongie and Minji did when they first got together and-”  _

_ The desperation in Siyeon’s voice grew clearer by the moment and Yoohyeon knew she had to keep going, otherwise she may not be able to say it. _

_ “Siyeon it won’t be the same...you know that.” Yoohyeon reached out for her hand, but much to her surprise Siyeon pulled away, looking at her in confusion and disbelief.  _

_ “Yoohyeon…what are you saying?” _

_ “I think we should take a break.”  _

_ Even though Yoohyeon felt as if this was the right thing to do, as soon as the words left her lips she immediately regretted them. Seeing Siyeon’s eyes widen in shock only made her feel worse. _

_ “No. Absolutely not!”  _

_ “Siyeo-” _

_ “NO. We’ve been together for over a year now, this is just something we’ll get past. Together.” _

_ “And what if we don’t Siyeon? What then? What do we do when the distance proves too much?” Yoohyeon’s voice had raised a little, the fear creeping in her voice, matching the tone of Siyeon’s own voice. _

_ “We’ll work through it, we can call every day if we have to-” _

_ “And what if-” Yoohyeon started but was interrupted. _

_ “Enough!” Siyeon said almost too loudly, slightly startling the younger woman. _

_ “But what if it does?!” Yoohyeon snapped back. _

_ “It won’t!!” Siyeon was yelling at this point, having stood from the table, practically pleading with Yoohyeon.  _

_ “And how do you know that?! Huh?!” Yoohyeon yelled back, a mixture of pain and frustration in her voice too clear now.  _

_ “Because I love you!!” As soon as Siyeon said it, her expression changed as if she hadn’t realised what she said either. But something in Yoohyeon stirred and it scared her.  _

_ “Well maybe...I don’t.” _

_ Siyeon’s expression dropped, “What... what did you just say..?” _

_ “Maybe I...maybe I don’t love you.” Yoohyeon said it under her breath but loud enough for Siyeon to hear it. She hadn’t realized what she said until it was too late.  _

_ “Get out.”  _

_ Yoohyeon looked up at Siyeon and if the words she spoke didn’t break her, the ghost of the person standing in front of her did. It was like the color had drained from Siyeon’s face and the eyes that had always looked at her with so much admiration were empty. A few silent tears slid down her face but before she had a chance to try and wipe them from Siyeon’s cheek, she spoke again. _

_ “I said get out.”  _

_ Yoohyeon stood but tried to walk towards Siyeon, “Siyeon please I didn-”  _

_ “Get out of my apartment! Now!!” she spoke coldly, stepping away from Yoohyeon. _

_ Yoohyeon backed away, flinching from the sound of Siyeon’s yelling.  _

_ “Pleas-” Yoohyeon said, almost a whimper now. _

_ “For fucks sake just go!!” Siyeon yelled one last time before turning her back to Yoohyeon, unable to look at her.  _

_ Before she turned her back Yoohyeon could clearly see the tears streaming down the older woman's face. Unsure what to do, and feeling defeated, she backed away.  _

_ “I’m sorry…” she whispered under her breath, before turning on her heel and walking out of the apartment, for what she thought would be the very last time.  _

_ Once Yoohyeon closed the door behind her, Siyeon quietly fell to her knees, covering her eyes as if to try and stop the wave of silent tears from falling.  _

_ On the other side of the door, Yoohyeon tried to muffle a sob as she paused standing outside of the apartment. Everything hurt, but something told her that she couldn’t go back inside, not now. _

_ Ignoring the aches in her heart, Yoohyeon walked away from the apartment, leaving it and Siyeon, far behind.  _

* * *

Yoohyeon’s hands were shaking as she walked up to the front door of Siyeon’s apartment. 

She never thought she would be here again, and yet here she was, after all this time. From the outside everything had just looked like it did the night she left, and for some reason even that thought couldn’t calm her nerves. She took a deep breath, closing her eyes for a moment, her hand hovering over the door. 

_ This is it Yooh, you can’t turn back now. _

She lightly knocked on the door, and waited for a moment. She saw movement out the corner of her eye in the small window beside the door. She heard the footsteps approach the door and then…nothing. Taking another deep breath she spoke quietly, yet loud enough that Siyeon could hear her through the door.

“Siyeon…? I know you’re in there. You don’t have to open the door. I’d understand if you didn’t, and I wouldn’t blame you for just walking away, especially with what happened.” 

Yoohyeon paused for a moment to listen, waiting to hear footsteps walking away from the door. Much to her surprise, the footsteps never came. In fact, Yoohyeon swore she could hear the faint sound of someone breathing on the other side of the door. Taking that as her chance, she continued. 

“I know it’s too late to apologize for the pain I caused you, and I honestly don’t expect you to forgive me. The truth is, I was scared. And I know that doesn’t excuse what I said, but I couldn’t move on or live with myself if I didn’t try to atleast give you the apology and the answers I should’ve given you a year ago.” 

Yoohyeon paused a second time, and still hearing the faint breathing, she continued, her hands still shaking as she spoke. 

“Distance wasn’t what scared me that day, Siyeon. What I felt for you did. I never wanted to take a break, but I was scared our relationship wouldn’t survive us being oceans apart. So I figured if I tried to break us off now it would save the both of us pain in the future. I was wrong. I was so so wrong Singnie. There hasn’t been a day since that night I haven’t thought about what I said, and the look of pain in your eyes when I told you I didn’t love you. So so many sleepless nights I stayed up, replaying that night over and over in my mind. If there was ever one regret I have, one big mistake I made in my lifetime, it was hurting you that night.” 

Yoohyeon paused again feeling the tears threatening to fall from her eyes. She took a deep breath before continuing, not caring how crazy she might have looked to the neighbors as she seemingly stood talking to a door.

“What I said that night, it wasn’t true. When you told me you loved me that night I got scared, I was afraid not because I didn’t feel the same, but because…I loved you too. And that scared me, and it…it  _ still _ scares me.” 

Yoohyeon thought she heard a sharp inhale on the other side of the door, but decided if she stopped now, there was no way she would say what she needed to. So without hesitation, she continued.

“If there was a way...time travel or whatever, just  _ any _ way I could find a way to go back in time to that one night, I would change it. I’d change everything that happened that night. But...I can’t. And we both know that, after all, that’s why I’m here isn’t it?” She didn’t wait for a reply, and just kept going instead.

“The truth is Singni-,  _ Siyeon _ , I miss you. I missed you so so much. I miss your bright smiles and teasing when you beat me at our favorite games, how loud you would laugh at any of my jokes even when they weren’t all that funny. I miss you falling asleep in my lap while I read, and I miss the late evenings leaning on your shoulder while you played piano, both of us humming along to our favorite songs. I miss everything about us, and more importantly about you.” 

Yoohyeon had to take a deep breath for a moment as she was rambling so fast now she could barely keep up with herself at this point. 

“I know it’s not...realistic, and you don’t have to forgive me, you have all right not to, but if it was possible...I don’t know. Maybe this is just those sleepless nights catching up with me, and this is just another one of my silly fantasies, but I wish I could just have one more chance. I wish I could have one more chance to love you the way you always deserved, and I promise you I wouldn’t mess it up this time.” 

She closed her eyes, pausing before saying the last thing she needed to say. Something she should’ve said so, so much sooner. 

“Siyeon, I love you. I always have. Even though it’s too late, I know I do. I know that I still do, I never stopped. And I don’t think that will ever change.”

The silence that drifted around Yoohyeon was almost colder than the sharp December wind that had been biting at the tears on her face. She felt like she was holding her breath waiting for something,  _ anything _ that would give her a sliver of hope. But nothing came. 

With a heavy heart, now dried tears on her cheeks, she turned her back to the front door. She slid her hands into her jacket pockets and started to walk down the steps one by one, further and further from the door, and from Siyeon. For good. 

  
  


**_Click._ **

  
  


Yoohyeon stopped dead in her tracks, but didn’t dare turn around, afraid of who she would see standing in what she would assume was the now opened door.

But when an all too familiar voice spoke, low and almost as broken as her own, something twisted in her chest. 

  
  


“Yoohyeon.” 

* * *


End file.
